


The Price of Happiness (All I want to do is love you)

by 2hyunlove



Series: The Moments Where You and I Exist [3]
Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Slice of Life, Some angst, Strangers to Lovers, Tissues, did i say tissues?, melancholiac, tissue chronicles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 05:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12314517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2hyunlove/pseuds/2hyunlove
Summary: Minhyun meets a strange, quirky boy by the name of Jonghyun, trying to cross a pedestrian crossing.  Little did he know that extending a helping hand also meant extending the welcome mat into his life.





	The Price of Happiness (All I want to do is love you)

**Author's Note:**

> I actually got hit by this while working on Angelic Intervention. Some things in real life just left me feeling so heavy that it didn't work out well for writing Angelic Intervention so I began this...and it ran away from me. This series should be renamed "Tissue Chronicles" because everything in it seems to be melancholiac. So please heed the warnings at top before you read.
> 
> It's inspired by the manga "Tada, Kimi Wo Aishiteru". For those who know it. :D

Minhyun meets Jonghyun in his 20th summer. It is a sweltering hot day and Minhyun is rushing to his company for training when he sees this funny boy trying to cross the pedestrian crossing at the busiest part of the street. 

Cars are whizzing past and the boy is shifting agitatedly from foot to foot with his right arm raised in the air. 

“Ppfftt.” Minhyun snickers. Who even in this day and age raises their hands to cross the street anymore?

“The traffic light at the corner has a push-to-walk button, it's better if you use that pedestrian crossing instead.” Minhyun offers helpfully to the disgruntled looking kid.

The kid turns bespectacled eyes towards Minhyun, and two very bright, incandescently clear eyes, stare at him.

Oh, pretty eyes. Minhyun thinks.

“But isn't this a pedestrian crossing? Why can't I cross here?”

“It's not that you can't cross here, it's just that because there is another crossing close to the traffic lights, the drivers don't usually have any patience for this one.”

The kid sighs. “It's this stupid pedestrian crossing that's going to make me late to my interview.”

Minhyun blinks. “You're auditioning, kid?”

The kid nods.

“Aren't you a bit young?”

“Is there an age limit? I thought 20 was pretty standard.” The kid frowns.

Minhyun startles and it shows in his eyes. “You're my age?” He gives the kid another look over. Fluffy black hair and huge glasses dominate the small face. He barely comes up to Minhyun's chest. For a 20 year old kid, he has a very small build, Minhyun thought he was 11 years old. 

The boy sniffles at him as if offended.

“Anyway, if you want to cross the road, come with me. I'm going the same way.”

The boy shakes his head. “Thanks but I'll cross eventually!”

What a unique kid. Minhyun thinks to himself, taking out his DSLR camera and taking a picture of the lone figure staring at the distance, standing at the pedestrian crossing.

It was the first picture of Jonghyun that Minhyun ever took.

He quickly stuffs the camera back into his bag as he runs, praying he isn't late enough for his voice coach to blow up.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

There's a boy that makes Minhyun's heart skip a beat.

His name is Ong Seungwoo and he is a trainee in the same company Minhyun is in. No one can hate Seungwoo, he is funny, sociable and unabashedly, amazingly handsome. 

He is also a good singer, a dancer with the presence of a star-to-be. Everyone in their group didn't question that Seungwoo would debut in the next group that the company would put together.

Minhyun is content just to look at Seungwoo from afar. At least for now. Watching Seungwoo dancing at practice is the highlight of Minhyun's day.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Minhyun is eating all alone in the university cafeteria, watching his last practice video on his phone when someone asks “Is anyone sitting here?”

Minhyun looks up. “Ah! It's you!”

Standing in front of him is the diminutive boy from a few days ago, clutching the strap of his messenger bag and smiling shyly at him.

“This must be fate.” The boy tells him. “I didn't expect to see you again and in university too! My name is Kim Jonghyun, from the Computer Science department.”

“Hwang Minhyun from the Literature department.” Minhyun says with a polite nod as Jonghyun slides into the seat in front of him, taking out a packet of wheat biscuits. “Did you make any new friends?”

Jonghyun shrugs. “I'm not that bothered, I'm used to being alone.” He says casually as he starts popping the little circular biscuits into his mouth.

“Is that all you're eating for lunch?”

“Uh huh, want some?”

“No, thanks.”

“It's really yummy. And it has a great smell. The hole in the middle is also really cute.” Jonghyun tells him enthusiastically, peering at him from the hole in the middle.

“But biscuits for lunch?

“Why not? They're very nutritious!” Jonghyun pops another in his mouth, slouching down in his seat. “Anyway, since we're in the same uni and maybe the same agency, wanna be friends?”

“Eh?”

“No?”

“Eh?”

“I bet you're thinking you don't want to be friends with a kid.” The tips of Jonghyun's lips tip downwards as his eyes look away. He looks so lonely at that moment. And entirely too cute.

“Uh, did you get across the pedestrian crossing?”

Jonghyun eyes him with a knowing look. As if telling him that Jonghyun knows that he's changing the subject.

“I couldn't. Looks like there aren't a lot of considerate drivers left in this world.”

“I see....”

“But I will cross that road someday.” Jonghyun says determinedly. “An uncrossable pedestrian lane is just weird. You might as well just remove it.” 

Nicely said. Minhyun grins. “You can cross it, you know.” Minhyun tells him mildly. “Here, give me your mobile number and come out when I tell you to. It's very simple.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Jonghyun's eyes are blurry as he meets Minhyun on the pedestrian crossing at 5 AM, but his eyes open wide as soon as he sees the street empty of cars.

“Look you can cross over as many times as you like.” Minhyun says grandly, giving Jonghyun an exaggerated bow. “After you~”

Jonghyun breaks out into a wide smile. “This is great!” Both arms are in the air in triumph as he jumps in glee. “This is great. Let's cross Minhyun~” He breaks out into a small run, whistling under his breath.

On the horizon, the sun begins to rise, dousing the sky with blushes of orange and yellow and Minhyun digs up his camera from his bag to take a picture. Jonghyun notices and comes back over the crossing to prod him.

“Is photography your hobby?”

“Of sorts. I like capturing memories.”

“Well, since you helped me with this insurmountable task of crossing pedestrian crossings, I'll let you in on a secret.” Jonghyun says conspiratorially, putting his glasses back into place before it slips off his nose. “Tell me, have you ever seen heaven?”

“Huh?”

“Come, come!” Jonghyun tells him, running off somewhere, expecting Minhyun to follow.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“Oh wow.” Minhyun breathes out, as he grips his camera tightly. The place Jonghyun lead him to is a densely forested part of the park near the university, a clearing where the sunbeams permeate through the trees, turning leaves still wet with morning dew into crystal brilliance, spiderwebs glinting little prisms in the sun. Near the lake there is an old wooden swing tied to a tree branch.

“How surprising! I never knew this place existed. And so near the university. It's really like heaven.” Minhyun says in wonder as he fiddles with his camera and takes pictures.

Jonghyun is rocking himself on the swing happily. “Doesn't it? I come here when I feel upset.”

A lone bird cries out and it makes Jonghyun spring out of the swing, excitedly. “Oh I've been waiting for that bird for ages! It feels like it's talking when it sings out like that!” He looks up along the branches, squinting. “Can you see it?”

“No, where is it?”

“Up the tree, there! Hmmn it's not coming here, how about we lure it?”

“Lure it? With what?”

Jonghyun delves into his bag and comes out with one of his wheat biscuits. 

“I'm not sure birds eat those things, Jonghyun.”

“These are the tastiest in the world, I'm sure Mr. Bird has the same lofty tastes I do so let's give it a try!”

Minhyun grunts noncommittally.

Jonghyun tries to reach the branch, jumping up a couple of times before he huffs at the branch, offended. Minhyun hides a smile, refraining from calling Jonghyun “short stuff”.

“Minhyun, give me a hand!”  
“Huh?”  
“Boost me up on your shoulders? I can't...reach the branch.”  
“Huh?”  
Jonghyun points to the branch. “Up to there, so I can put this on the branch.”  
“Uh,” Minhyun hesitates for a second. It's the first time he's ever had anyone so unaware of personal space invade his personal space. It makes him a little uncomfortable.

Jonghyun's openly expectant face, however, breaks down his hesitation.

“Fine.”

It's fortunate that Jonghyun barely weighs anything at all, it makes it easier to hoist the other up on his shoulders.

“Can you reach it?”  
“Yep! Come on birdie, come eat the nice, healthy snack~~”

As Jonghyun giggles, he precariously reaches up and almost unbalances Minhyun. Jonghyun's legs tighten around Minhyun's neck at the sudden action and Minhyun blushes at the contact, somehow, it just feels so intimate.

Unaware of Minhyun's turmoil, Jonghyun pats Minhyun. “All done. Can I get down now, please?”

Minhyun acquiesces and kneels so that the short Jonghyun could jump to the ground. 

“Was I heavy?” Jonghyun says cheerily.  
“Not really. Pretty light to be honest. Do you really only eat those biscuits?”  
“Hey, don't diss my biscuits. They contain enough nutritional requirements for what I need.” Jonghyun says, elbowing Minhyun in the ribs. “I probably just lack growth hormones or something.”

“Oh?”  
“Oh!” Jonghyun exclaims and invades Minhyun's personal space again, he's so close Minhyun can see the little flecks of brilliance in Jonghyun's eyes. “You have biscuit crumbs on your hair.” Jonghyun tells him, ruffling Minhyun's hair as he does so.

Minhyun quickly pulls away, making Jonghyun's eyes widen in question. Minhyun doesn't know if Jonghyun feels his discomfort but he asks Minhyun quizzically. “Minhyun, have you ever dated?”

“Wha- what's with the sudden question?”  
“Well, have you? Jonghyun stares at him.

Minhyun looks away. “Er, well, normal people probably have at this point...” He hedges.

“Minhyun, this is heaven right? Jonghyun tells him teasingly, looking up at him, “Don't you think lying is a sin here?”

Minhyun blushes.

“Ah-ha. I knew it!” Jonghyun laughs. 

A quiet scritch-scratch distracts both of them from their conversation as a bright blue bird hops over to the biscuit crumbs on the branch overhead and starts to feed.

“Look! It's eating.”

Minhyun can't help but grin at Jonghyun's unadulterated joy at the bird and the successful luring.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Minhyun sits in one corner of the practice room, wiping the sweat beading on his forehead after a particularly intense practice session, watching Seungwoo horsing around with the other trainees. He sighs, looking down on the floor. Even though it's already summer, Minhyun still hasn't exchanged any words with Ong Seungwoo.

“Hey there, Hwang Minhyun, right?”

Minhyun looks up and barely masks his incredulity at who he finds standing before him, holding two cans of grapefruit soda in his hands. 

Ong Seungwoo is smiling at him while holding out one of the cans. He looks like an advertisement for the damn soda. 

“H-Hey.” Minhyun manages to stammer out, trying for all the world to act nonchalantly when he's sure that his ears are burning a really deep red.

“The guys and I were wondering if you'd like to join us for lunch today! We've been training together for awhile now and we'd like to get to know you better. That is, If you don't mind.”

Minhyun feels like he must be dreaming. He nods his agreement.

“Great!!! Come on, let's join the others. They won't like me hogging you all to myself.” Seungwoo jokes as he tugs Minhyun to his feet and towards the group of guys.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“Hey, Minhyun hyung, how long has it been since you started training with us? I've never really seen you talk to anybody.” Lee Daehwi, the youngest of the trainees, asks.

“Haha.” Minhyun scratches his head in embarrassment, “I'm a very private person, is all.” Minhyun likes to take his time observing people before he fully devotes himself to getting to know strangers but with Seungwoo's eyes so focused on him, Minhyun couldn't honestly bring himself to be anything but friendly.

“Three months and not a single peep, hyung! We're devastated!” Jaehwan, of the crazy psychotic laugh that Minhyun honestly feels is a little bit scary, tells him.

“Ah never mind that. He's talking now, isn't he?” Seungwoo smiles at him encouragingly. “Let's give a toast to our new friend, Minhyun!”

Everyone nods in agreement to Seungwoo, raising their glasses in Minhyun's direction.

“CHEERS!”

“Minhyun-ssi, I will be in your care.” Seungwoo tells him with such a warm smile that Minhyun cannot help but smile back.

“Ah, same here.” Minhyun's ears are so red, he could feel the heat emanating from them.

At that time, Minhyun notices movement at the corner of his eye. When he turns his head, he finds Jonghyun in a grey hoodie and training pants looking at him in understanding. And he realises, that Jonghyun, being as sharp as he is, now knows that Minhyun has a crush on Seungwoo.

Jonghyun doesn't even say hello as he quietly takes a seat on the next row over on his own, munching on his ever-present biscuit.

“Minhyun-ssi, by the way, do you have a girlfriend?”  
“Huh?”  
“I saw you walking with someone earlier.”  
“Ah, no, no he's not.”  
“Ah he? A...boyfriend?”  
Minhyun's eyes can't help but slide to Jonghyun's turned back as he vehemently protests. “No, no, he's just a friend.” 

It could be his imagination but Jonghyun's back stiffens.  
“Who's the guy?” The perpetual smiley-face of the group, Daniel, asks.  
“Niel-ah, how can you be so obtuse? It's that new trainee, you know the one the dance teacher was talking about.”  
“Ah!!! That really tiny guy who looks like an 11 year old right? With the huge glasses?  
“Minhyun hyung, you like them small huh?”  
“It's not like that! We're really JUST friends.”

Minhyun doesn't see it but Jonghyun throws him a look that Seungwoo notices. Minhyun might not have seen that look, but he sees the next on - Jonghyun's tight-lipped look as he brushes past their group.

“Oh my God, that's him right? Now you've all done it, why didn't anyone tell me he was right behind us?” Jaehwan squeaks out.  
“Well you shouldn't have been so loud anyway, Jaehwan.”  
“I...I'll go first.” Minhyun tells them.  
“I'm at fault for running off my mouth like that, please apologise for me, Minhyun hyung.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

It takes a few days for Minhyun to finally see Jonghyun because Minhyun's schedule is packed full with practice and uni work. He also almost feels like Jonghyun is deliberately avoiding him.

When he can finally breath, he goes to the forest when he knows Jonghyun has a free period in the middle of his classes.

 _/I come here when I feel upset./_ Minhyun remembers.

Sure enough, in the quiet clearing, Jonghyun is sitting on the swing, looking out at the pond.

“Hey.” Minhyun ventures. 

Jonghyun continues swinging, as if he doesn't hear Minhyun the only sound in the quietness is the creaking of the wood against the rope as it swings backwards and forwards. 

“I'm sorry for the other day.”

Backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards.

“No one really meant anything bad by it.”

Backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards.

“Well, that was really all I want to say, so I guess I'll go...” 

The swing stops. “You know, I'm already used to being treated like some weird freak but,” Jonghyun starts out, not bothering to turn around to look at him. "When you keep insisting that I was only a friend, like you're trying to get out of the situation.”

He jumps down from the swing, patting the seat of his pants casually, still not looking at Minhyun. “Like I was insignificant compared to others.”

The dawning realisation that he had hurt Jonghyun hit Minhyun like a ton of bricks. Like, really hurt him. Minhyun doesn't know what Jonghyun wants from him or what he should do but somehow Jonghyun's lonely back seems to be shouldering the world at that moment. Minhyun has never really had a close friend before, he is relatively unsure of how to deal with it. But he remembers what his mom always does to make him feel better.

He hugs Jonghyun.

Just like that, he held Jonghyun tightly for a long time. And Jonghyun lets him.

“Minhyun, you like Ong Seungwoo?” Jonghyun's voice is muffled in Minhyun's chest.  
“Huh?” Minhyun blushes at the name, ears warming up immediately as he lets go of Jonghyun, turning his flustered gaze on the other.

“Ah, that's no good. We should keep what happened here a secret then, huh?” Jonghyun says teasingly.

“Secret? Why?”

“Uh huh” Jonghyun tells him, getting up. “Oh yeah, I have something to ask you!”

“Huh?” Minhyun can't keep up with Jonghyun's lightning changes in mood.

“Your camera!”  
“My camera?”

“Yes! Teach me how to use it.”

It's the first time someone's ever paid any interest to Minhyun's photography hobby, it makes him smile as he proceeds to teach Jonghyun the basics of a DSLR camera.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“Oh wow, your apartment is really clean.” Jonghyun says, as he takes off his shoes to come into the room. “Are you sure you're a 20 year old single man? Are you hiding a girlfriend in the closet?”

“Pfft. Don't be ridiculous. I just like clean spaces. How can anyone think in a dirty house?”  
“Um...very easily!”  
“I don't want to visit your room ever.”  
“It's probably for the best.” Jonghyun tells him with a little snicker as he follows Minhyun in. “Thank you for inviting me over by the way.”

“It's nothing, you wanted to see how I do digital editing right?”  
“Oh you print your photos?” Jonghyun asks as he draws closer to a cork board filled with pinned photographs.

Minhyun nods as he sets up his laptop. “I like being surrounded by them. It helps me remember all the warm memories I have when I took the photos.”

“That's nice~” Jonghyun says distractedly, he's still peering at all the photos on the corkboard Minhyun has set up. “Minhyun only takes landscape photos? You don't take portraits?”

“Because I'm not good with portraitures. I just don't have the feel for them.” He mutters as he opens up his photo editing program.

It's at this time that Jonghyun notices the picture of him waiting on the pedestrian crossing. “Ah.” 

“Hmmn?”

“It's nothing~” Jonghyun tells him, grinning as he sits down next to Minhyun. “So how do you use this program?”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“I'm sorry it's so late.”

“It's ok, the trains are still running. Thank you for teaching me how to use that program, I'll make sure to get it for my laptop. I'll see you in school or training!” Jonghyun tells him waving as he runs to the platform.

As the train comes in, Jonghyun shouts, “Minhyun-ah, take more pictures of me than S---”, Minhyun doesn't hear it because of the incoming rush of sound from the train.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“Good work, today, Minhyun!” Seungwoo says, plopping down on the floor next to Minhyun who unconsciously scoots back a little bit because he doesn't want his sweat to transfer to Seungwoo.

“Hey Seungwoo~ You too! You did great today, man, especially on that dance break.” A couple of weeks in Seungwoo's company has curbed most of Minhyun's extreme reactions to the man's proximity although he still gets butterflies in his belly when the handsome man talks to him.

“I did, didn't I?” Seungwoo told him with a grin.

“Yes, yes you did.” Minhyun says, patting Seungwoo's head because of his cuteness. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches the door to the practice room opening and someone is pushed into the room protesting.

It's Jonghyun. The diminutive figure is hanging back forlornly near the door, very hesitant to go in. “Jonghyun-ah~” Minhyun waves, beckoning him closer. 

Jonghyun pulls down the cap on his head even lower, walking to where Minhyun is.

Jonghyun bows and mutters a greeting to both Seungwoo and Minhyun.  
“Jonghyun-ah, why are you in this class?”  
Jonghyun shifts from foot to foot, mumbling. “He says I should try practicing with the advanced class to see if I'd fit in.”  
“Huh, he's usually a super perfectionist. You must have impressed him.” Seungwoo butts in.  
Jonghyun shrugs.  
“Good job, Jonghyun-ah. Maybe you should show us some moves.” Minhyun teases.  
“Shouldn't you show me your moves, sunbaenim. Since you know, you're the senior.” Jonghyun says sticking out his tongue as he says it.  
“What lip, you're the same age, you sarcastic dwarf.”  
Seungwoo chuckles, making the two swivel to stare at him.  
“Oh right, Seungwoo, this is Jonghyun, he's that midget trainee.”

A weak slap on his arm tells Minhyun what Jonghyun thinks about that.

“It's nice to meet you, Jonghyun!” Seungwoo grins. “My name is Seungwoo.”

Jonghyun bows again.

“Jonghyun seems like such a shy trainee.”

Jonghyun tilts his head and gives Seungwoo an odd look before he smiles tightly. “Ah, everyone seems to think so. It's a pleasure to meet you, Seungwoo.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“Jonghyun!”  
Minhyun runs up to catch up to Jonghyun after dance practice, falling into step beside him.  
“Hey, what's wrong, Minhyun?”  
“What's with you awhile ago?”  
“Huh?”  
“That look you gave Seungwoo.”

“What look? Seungwoo sunbae is a really charismatic, popular person isn't he?” Jonghyun says, stretching his arms up and yawning, “It would be such a loss if he ends up with you.”

“Hey! Watch what you're saying midget.”

“It's hard to dislike him.” The words are quieter than usual as he continues walking without looking at Minhyun.

“Jonghyun?” Minhyun says, a hand dropping down on Jonghyun's shoulder. “Why are you lying?”

The silence feels very long before Jonghyun looks back at Minhyun with a small smile. “I wish that the person I love is able to love the person he loves.”

Minhyun's eyes widen.

“Are you satisfied?” Jonghyun says quietly, tugging at his glasses and facing Minhyun fully. “You won't mind I hope...because Minhyun is my first love.”

The confession is straight and honest. It isn't sugarcoated with any flowery words or set up in a perfect setting. It was so...Jonghyun that it leaves Minhyun stunned and breathless.

Minhyun can't answer. He didn't want to hurt Jonghyun and Jonghyun knows he likes Seungwoo. Minhyun can only drop his eyes to the ground. 

“I'll see you next time.” Jonghyun tells him gently, giving him a bright smile before turning away.

This complicated relationship with Jonghyun just keeps tangling in Minhyun's mind.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Two years later...

Minhyun is excited. And so is Seungwoo. Finally, finally, they've been selected to debut with four other trainees - Yoo Senho. Park Woojin, Kim Jaehwan and Kang Daniel. The company hasn't thought of a name for them yet but it is one step closer to their dreams.

The five of them are celebrating in the practice room with cider and chicken given by their generous manager when Minhyun notices a purple stone winking on Seungwoo's chest.

“That's pretty.”

Seungwoo's hand goes up to touch it at Minhyun's comment. “Ah yeah. I got it for good luck. It's an amethyst, it's suppose to cleanse emotional turmoil, help with love and all that.” 

In the years they've been training, Minhyun has learned a lot of things about Seungwoo. How the comedic bravado he presents to the world also hides a sensitive side and a certain vulnerability.

“Hey, you spacing out on me, Minhyun?” Seungwoo prods.  
“Ah, not really. I just don't think you need that sort of thing.”  
“You think so?” Seungwoo tells him, his mouth quirking up in a melancholiac smile that seems unspeakably lonely to Minhyun.

“Hey, I just heard, congratulations you guys!” Jonghyun slides down to the floor and sits between Seungwoo and Minhyun.

“Awww Jonghyunnie, thank you.” Seungwoo tells the other, slinging an arm over the small Jonghyun and hugging him close before a hand pushes Seungwoo's face away.

“Hnng, stop touching me.” 

“Since when did you arrive, pipsqueak?” Minhyun says, ruffling Jonghyun's hair. These days Jonghyun has taken to Seungwoo and Minhyun's company so that when Jonghyun's practice breaks coincided with theirs, he'd hang out with them.

“You're very slow, Minhyun.” Jonghyun's look spoke volumes of how unimpressed he is with how Minhyun sees him.

“Hmmn, I actually have a meeting with our manager. See you Jonghyunnie, Minhyun~” Seungwoo ruffles Jonghyun's hair, leaving Jonghyun disgruntled. Minhyun's eyes follow the lithe boy walking out the door.

“Hey Minhyun~” Jonghyun tugs at Minhyun's sleeve demanding his attention.  
“Hmmn?”  
“Do you know of any openings in the Uni dorms?”  
“HUH? Why?”  
“I...sort of ran away from home.” 

“WHAT? YOU RAN AWAY FROM H---MMFFF?” Jonghyun's hand stops Minhyun from shouting even more than he has.

“Keep it down will you? The whole world doesn't need to know this.”

“Anyway, I've been talking to real estate agents since this morning but they all thought I was a kid and refused to rent me anything. Makes me angry just thinking about it.” Jonghyun pouts. “I've been looking at other options but they just don't open up in the middle of the school term.”

Jonghyun sighs.

“There's the option of going back to your parents.” Minhyun says mildly. He still can't believe this friend who looks like a little kid would leave home. 

Jonghyun twirls a stray fringe around his finger. “Hmmn. No. I'd rather sleep on the street than go back.”

Minhyun sighs. “Then, come to my apartment.” Minhyun cannot, in good conscience, allow his friend to stay on the street, there were a LOT of bad people.

“Can I?”  
“Just for a few days.”

“Thanks Minhyun.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

”Ah, It's been such a long time since I've been here~” Jonghyun comments, dragging his luggage into Minhyun's apartment.

“Not like I never asked.” Minhyun says dryly as he puts down Jonghyun's other bag on the floor. “You just never came back after that first time.”

“I was being a good friend. It'd be troublesome if I interrupted your relationship with Seungwoo.”

Minhyun throws Jonghyun a look that is thoroughly ignored as Jonghyun looks around his apartment. 

“Nothing has changed here, it's as clean as ever.”  
“What's to change? There's no need to.”  
“Oh oh, while I'm here, can you help me with editing some of my pictures?”  
“Oh you've been taking pictures?”  
“Yup.”  
“Well, let's see them.”  
Jonghyun opens his laptop and shows Minhyun his latest photo roll. There are a lot of photos, mostly kids.

'When did you take these?  
“Recently~ Compared to landscapes I find photographing people much more interesting.”

Minhyun looks at a lot of the pictures, noticing the lively expressions on the kids. Jonghyun must be adored by the children in the picture to show such an open face. Minhyun can almost imagine how Jonghyun would play with the kids while taking photos.

The Jonghyun who took these pictures, seems amazing to Minhyun.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“You can take the bed, Jonghyun.” Minhyun tells the Jonghyun as the other boy as he arranges a mattress on the floor.

“You're the host, I can sleep on the floor.” Jonghyun tells him.

“If I do that, it'll look like I'm abusing a kid.” Minhyun jokes, earning him a thrown pillow in his face.

“We can sleep together.” Jonghyun says.

“What?” Minhyun's mind blanks but Jonghyun doesn't notice his incredulity because he's sizing up the bed. “Your bed's huge anyway.”

“I don't think you know what you're implying.”  
“Is it because I look like a kid?” Jonghyun asks, his question implying he did know what he had been implying.  
“...”  
“Or that I don't have Seungwoo's handsome features?”  
“Of course not.” Minhyun protests, looking away, blushing all the way up to his ears.

Jonghyun's lips tighten. 

“...” 

He looks away for an instant before a pillow hits Minhyun.

“Are you stupid?” Jonghyun deadpans. “I'm just joking, I didn't think you would be this serious.”

Jonghyun throws himself on the mattress on the floor. “Sleep sleep.”

“Hey, you can have the bed.”

“Nope,” Jonghyun shakes his head already turning the other way on his side. “I'm sleeping here.”

“Fine. I'm switching the lights off now.”

In the darkness, Minhyun doesn't quite hear Jonghyun's whisper. “I'm going to grow up and you'll regret letting me go someday, Hwang Minhyun.” Sadness dimly rims Jonghyun's half-closed eyes.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

The morning finds Minhyun waking up to Jonghyun with the mattress and linens folded neatly and Jonghyun's bags packed.

“Good...morning?”  
“Thank you for letting me spend the night! I'm leaving now.”  
“Huh? Are you still angry from last night?”  
“I'm not angry. It just suddenly dawned on me. I feel sorry for Seungwoo.”  
'For Seungwoo? Why did his name crop up? This has nothing to do wi---”

“Yes it does! If he knew I stayed over at your house...Work it out, dumdum. Or you'll deserve what you get.”

Minhyun scratches his head. “Even so, do you have anywhere else to go?”

“No. But it'll work out.” Jonghyun shrugs.

“You don't have to leave in a hurry, Jonghyun-ah.” Minhyun tells him, patting him on the back. “I don't really mind having you here. You can stay here until your little midget ass becomes an adult.”

For some reason, Jonghyun doesn't react the same way he usually does, just a whispered “idiot.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Click!  
“Yah, Don't take pictures when I'm cooking.”  
Jonghyun shoos Minhyun away with a spatula, almost tipping over on the box he is standing on to reach the stove.

Minhyun snickers and puts away the camera, if only for Jonghyun's safety. “Your glasses are fogging up.” He tells Jonghyun, miming towards his eyes. “I didn't know you cooked.”

“I always cook the meals at home. I used to take care of my sister too.”

“You have siblings?”

“Two, one moved out. But my other sister...she passed away a week ago.” Jonghyun says quietly, looking at the vegetables dancing in the oil with a sad smile. “Because she was sick, she was always bedridden.”

“Then you ran away from home?”  
“Yeah. I just felt so frustrated. I fought with my mother so I ran away.”  
“Your sister, what did she die from?”

Jonghyun's eyes slide to Minhyun. “It's an illness that will kill you if you fall in love.”  
At Minhyun's wide startled eyes, Jonghyun smiles. “Just kidding. It's some sort of genetic cancer. My dad died from the same illness.”

“Eh?”

“It happened when I was very young. So my mom, my sis and I are the only ones who survived.” Jonghyun sighs. “I guess I inherited my mother's genes. I guess that's why I'm so...in touch with my emotions or something, women are quite scary you know. My mom and sis, when they're both angry, ugh.”

Jonghyun shudders. “Anyway,” Jonghyun waves the spatula in Minhyun's face. “I'm done cooking, let's eat!”

Jonghyun spears a piece of beef from the stir fry in the pan and tastes it. “Hmmn, yep, I haven't lost my touch.

Minhyun peers at him in wonder. 

“What? Do I have something on my face?”  
“No, it's just the first time I've seen you eat something besides those biscuits.”  
“Hey, don't diss my biscuits, they're nutritious!” Jonghyun throws a mushroom at Minhyun. “But I've decided. From today onwards, I won't stop eating so I can grow. I need lots of nutrition so I can mature. I'll grow taller than you and then you'll be sorry.”

'Sure, sure, midget.”  
“What, you don't believe me?”  
“Dude, you're already 22. You're stuck like that.”  
“Rude! You're gonna eat those words, you...giant.”

This complicated relationship, this subtle living relationship, continued for half a year.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

When Minhyun wakes up, Jonghyun is already gone. He finds a post-it note on the fridge for him - “Hey Min, You said you'd be coming home tonight so I'll make your favorite fried rice for dinner, ok?”

Minhyun grins at the note and goes out. He has even more practices to go to as the days to his debut with “Princes of Defiance” closes in. He barely even goes to university anymore.

“Minhyun-ah~”  
“Hey Seungwoo~ ready for more practice today?”

Seungwoo breathes a sigh. “When I decided to become an idol, I didn't think I'd have to keep practicing on my birthday.”

Oh, shit. Minhyun thinks. He's such an epic fail, he didn't even remember Seungwoo's birthday.

“Minhyunnie, that expression.” Seungwoo chortles. “Did you forget my birthday?”

Caught out, Minhyun can't do anything but scratch his head, a blush gracing his features yet again. They are such a common occurrence with Seungwoo that they might as well be permanently pasted on Minhyun's face.

“My friend, I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself. Come with me to dinner after practice.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Jonghyun looks at the clock yet again. It's almost midnight and the food has already grown cold. Jonghyun sighs and wraps the fried rice and side dishes, taking out the candle from the cupcake before wrapping that as well. He packs them away in the refrigerator. He showers and already almost asleep when Minhyun comes in, whistling a happy tune and weaving just a little bit.

When he opens the light and realises that Jonghyun is already in bed, he apologises. “Oh sorry, Jonghyun, I didn't realise you'd be sleeping already.”

“Did something good happen?” Jonghyun asks sleepily. Must be something related to Seungwoo, Jonghyun thinks.

“We can talk about it in the morning.” Minhyun sings out. “Good night Jonghyun~”

Definitely something to do with Seungwoo. Jonghyun sighs.

“Jonghyun-ah, let's celebrate your birthday next time.” Ah, Jonghyun realises what's happened. It was Seungwoo's birthday.

“No need, it's ok~”  
“Why not?”  
“You don't need to mind me, you should focus on Seungwoo, Minhyun-ah.”

Somehow that bothers Minhyun.”Just because we went out doesn't mean we're together. Eventhough I love him, we're both going to be in the same idol unit. I don't want to change the friendship I have with him. It'd be strange if we didn't work out.”

“That's the coward's way out.” The quiet way Jonghyun says the words and the lack of judgement bothers Minhyun more than accusation or censure would have. He shifts from his position, turning his back to Jonghyun. 

“I'm going to sleep.”

Jonghyun flinches at the hurt tone in Minhyun's voice and sighs, turning to face Minhyun, his head pillowed on his arm. “On second thought, since you went out with Seungwoo. Give me a present too.”

“Hmmn?” Minhyun flips back to look at Jonghyun questioningly.  
“Birthday present.” Jonghyun chirps.  
“Ok. What do you want?”  
“A kiss.” This makes Minhyun sit up.

Jonghyun's eyes twinkle mischievously in the light streaming in from the window. “My first kiss. You can give it to me as my birthday present.”

“Wh-what are you saying? Isn't that a bit sudden?”

“You had that flyer for a photography competition a few days ago, the one you said you couldn't join because of all the practice and activities you have before debuting. I've decided to enter. My topic will be “lovers”.”

“Is that an excuse?”  
“Aw, come on, Minhyunnie~”  
“Then when's your birthday?”  
“Let's say it's tomorrow.” Jonghyun says merrily. “Let's do it in the forest.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

A kiss. Minhyun wanted to refuse but he couldn't. He still doesn't know why. So he finds himself standing here in the middle of the clearing, leaves dancing in the mild breeze that twirls lazily around, while Jonghyun fixes his camera on a tripod.

Minhyun shifts from foot to foot, scratching the back of his neck restlessly.

“Nervous?” Jonghyun says, looking amused as he tilts his head towards Minhyun.

Minhyun makes gurgling sounds in his throat, unable to form words.

“Move a bit more to the front please~” As Minhyun moves to comply, Jonghyun keeps adjusting the camera settings. “To the right, no not by a lot, just a half step aaand there! Perfect.”

Jonghyun moves towards Minhyun, looking at the small remote control in his hand, murmuring “Have to make sure this is working,” when Minhyun notices that the end of Jonghyun's head now hovers near his nose.

“Huh? Jonghyun, did you grow taller?”  
“Yes, Mr. Oblivious, didn't I tell you I would start to grow?” Jonghyun said cheekily, rolling his eyes at Minhyun. “Oh I almost forgot, I should take off my glasses.”  
“You're taking them off?”  
“I'll look better without, and the camera flash might reflect off it.” Jonghyun tells him, tipping his head forward to remove his glasses without disturbing his fringe. “There.” 

He looks up.

And captivates Minhyun with the fathomless dark depths of his eyes, a deeply mesmerising gaze that Minhyun cannot look away from. It makes Minhyun lean in, and softly touch his lips to Jonghyun's. A light, chaste kiss that makes Minhyun's heart flutter. 

When he breaks the kiss, Jonghyun follows, putting his lips on Minhyun's, arms coming up to pull Minhyun closer. This second kiss is deeper, a journey of exploration that lasts for an instant and forever.

Their first kiss becomes the second, and the third, and the fourth as their hearts seem to call out to each other, over and over again. 

On the fifth kiss, Minhyun opens his eyes to find tears on Jonghyun's face and the soft click of the camera saving the moment into memory.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“I have to go,” Minhyun says softly, feeling like he doesn't want to disturb on the quiet that blankets the clearing since their kiss, “I have practice.”

Jonghyun, who's sitting at the base of a tree, hugging his legs to himself, nodded. “I want to stay a little longer. Good luck at practice.”

Somehow the both of them can't quite meet each other's eyes, shying away and blushing. It's an alien feeling in their complicated yet comfortable friendship.

Minhyun scratches at his cheek and waves a goodbye that Jonghyun doesn't see before he awkwardly turns to go. “We can have a proper celebration tonight.” He says in parting. 

“Huh?”

“To celebrate your contest entry photo~ I can cook. I can probably cook without burning the apartment down. Haha. We have an early practice today.”

“Then I'll see you tonight.” Jonghyun smiles. “Hey Min~”  
“Yeah?”  
“That kiss just now, was there maybe just a little love in it?” Jonghyun says it so softly and into his arms that Minhyun doesn't think he hears it right.

“What did you say?”

Jonghyun shakes his head ruefully. “Never mind, have a good time practicing~”

“I'm going then.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Throughout practice and throughout the day, Minhyun catches himself blushing and smiling randomly at nothing at all. So much that Seonho comments on how he should probably stop smiling so dorkily while doing a sexy bodywave.

Image, please, Image. Seungwoo says.

He can't quite help himself, the smile just keeps threatening to burst out of him every time he remembers Jonghyun and the kiss.

When practice actually finishes in time, Minhyun runs off and stops by the supermarket to buy the ingredients for his planned dinner, consulting his mobile for the recipe. He even buys a small cake (in case dinner doesn't quite work out as planned).

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“Jonghyun?” Minhyun calls out as he opens the door. “You home?”

The absence of light in the room tells Minhyun otherwise as he flips the light switch on and makes a beeline for the refrigerator. “Put the cake in the fridge before it melts~ and let's get started on that mea~”

He stops his random happy sing-talking as he stares at the note on the fridge door.

__===  
Minhyun,  
I'm going to the United States to improve my dancing.  
Thank you for everything.  
Goodbye,  
Jonghyun  
===  


Minhyun rushes to open the closet, Jonghyun always leaves his clothes for the next day hanging to get rid of the wrinkles. The lack of these clothes makes Minhyun's heart beat faster. He checks the bathroom and finds none of Jonghyun's toiletries. The pictures that Jonghyun printed out and pinned next to Minhyun's owns photos are empty spots in the corkboard.

Jonghyun, where did you go?

Minhyun is just about to run out the door when his mobile phone rings. He wants to leave it ringing because he is losing precious time, time he can spend looking for Jonghyun but when the LCD screen shows “Seungwoo” he hesitantly takes it.

“Seung, can I call you back later? I'm really busy, Jonghyun, h---”  
[Oh hey, so you've heard?]  
“Heard what?”  
[Apparently Jonghyun withdrew from the company. There's a lot of rumors flying around that he signed with our rival company. I wonder what ha---] Minhyun's blood runs cold at Seungwoo's words.

“I'll call you later, Seung. I need to do something.” Minhyun hangs up before Seungwoo could even finish what he was saying.

[Hello College Admissions~ How can I help you?]

“I was wondering if you can provide some information on a student there named Kim Jonghyun, his mother is in the hospital right now and we can't reach any of his family at the moment and he isn't answering his phone.” Minhyun fibs, apologising mentally to Jonghyun's family in his head.

[I'm sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, that student withdrew from the university a few days ago and requested all of his files remain confidential.]

The phone slips from Minhyun's nerveless hands as he slides down the wall in surprise.

[Sir? Sir?]

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Minhyun runs everywhere he knows. From the university friends he's seen Jonghyun with, to the university library where Jonghyun spent time reading manga tucked in a little corner, to the little clearing in the forest but Jonghyun is nowhere...in the space of an afternoon, Jonghyun disappears from Minhyun's life. 

Why?

Just when Minhyun had finally realised, after all this time...

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

When Minhyun doesn't answer his phone and doesn't turn up for practice for two days, Seungwoo comes out to find him. Their manager gives Seungwoo Minhyun's apartment and uni address. It takes Seungwoo more time to find out that Minhyun hasn't been attending classes either.

Seungwoo is about to give up when this little bird twitters annoyingly on a branch overhead and he notices a little trail going off into the little forest near Minhyun's university. He recalls the anecdote Minhyun told him about how he met Jonghyun so he decides to meander along the path although it's raining so hard.

He finds Minhyun slumped over the wooden swing in the clearing from Minhyun's university, unmoving even in the pouring rain. 

“Ya, Minhyun-ah.” Seungwoo says gently, shoving the umbrella over the other boy's head. “You should go home. You'll catch a cold.”

The face that lifts up to meet Seungwoo is pale. Paler than the other usually is, eyes shining with unshed tears. There are dark circles under his eyes.

“Seung-ah, he just disappeared~”

“You can't get him back if you get sick, yeah? Come on, Min, let's get you home.” Seungwoo tugs his arm encouragingly. “I'll help you find him when you've slept.”

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Minhyun falls sick with a high fever that leaves him hallucinating that Jonghyun is still there with him, comfortably ensconced in his mattress on the floor, reading a manga while lying down.

 _/Minhyun-ah, what's wrong? Do you have the flu?/_  
“Jonghyun?”  
_/Give me a moment and I'll whip you up some porridge./_  
“Wait, don't bother!”  
“Stay here!”  
“Don't leave.”  
“Jonghyun-ah~”

His hand reaches out for the phantom hand, trying to catch hold of it.

“Stay by my side.”

“Minhyun! Minhyun!!! Wake up!” Minhyun wakes up groggily to Seungwoo's panicked voice. “Shit, man, why didn't you take your meds.”

“Seung...woo? Where's, where's Jonghyun?”

“He has an impossibly high fever and the first thing he asks is about Jonghyun. Figures.” Seungwoo sighs. “The ambulance is coming, your fever hasn't broken in three days. I'll pack you some clothes, ok? Just stay put and drink your meds.”

Seungwoo busies himself with packing Minhyun's essentials when his eyes alight on the refrigerator door where Jonghyun's note is still stuck on.

“You lived together?” Seungwoo whispers, realisation dawning.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“You look much better today!” Seungwoo says cheerily as he enters Minhyun's hospital room and cheerily waves a tastefully decorated box in his face. “Cake from all the boys, they'll visit later. Manager is really drilling us hard.'

“Seungwoo-yah, thank you for all the help.”

“We're on the same team, you know.” Seungwoo says, gently punching Minhyun's arm, “When we debut, we'll tell this story to in an interview and you'll be calling me the Saintly Ong!”

Minhyun gives him a small smile and Seungwoo knows how much effort it takes.

“Any...any news of Jonghyun?” Minhyun says in a small voice.  
“I'm sorry, Minhyun. Nobody has any news.”  
“I'll wait,” Minhyun says listlessly, “I'll wait for him at my apartment.”  
“The little midget, he's going to come back, right?”  
“I will believe he'll come back.”  
“By the way, Minhyun-ah, can I ask you something?”

Minhyun nods at him, throwing him a quizzical look.  
“When we first met, back then, you liked me, didn't you?”

Minhyun blushes. Ordinarily, he would gloss over the issue rather than admit it, knowing the possible consequences. But he remembers what Jonghyun tells him.

_/That's the cowards's way./_

And he remembers what not confronting the issue is doing to his and Jonghyun's relationship.

He looks at Seungwoo straight in the eye and smiles. “Yes.”

“I thought so.” Seungwoo grins. “Well, I'll see you when you go back to practice.”

And just like that, Minhyun's first love ended, on the smiling, accepting lips of the boy who carried his heart for two years.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Minhyun and the rest of the “Princes of Defiance” boys debut. Their debut song goes up in the charts surprisingly fast. They do not always get a perfect all-kill but they do pretty well. They have a solid fanbase and there are a lot of activities to do.

Minhyun eventually had to move out of his apartment to live in the dorms. He does so reluctantly, not wanting to let go of his last tenuous connection to Jonghyun.

It's been two years since Jonghyun disappeared but Minhyun still tries to leave little post-it notes in his old apartment door and in the clearing, to make sure Jonghyun knew where to find him.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

After their last music show where they ended promotions for the current album, Minhyun's manager hands him an invitation card.

“What's this?” Minhyun asks the jolly older man while he takes off his jacket. 

“A courier dropped it off at the office two days ago, I finally remembered to give it to you today.”  
“Ah. Anyone I know?”

The manager shrugs and gestures to the unopened invitation as if to say “find out for yourself”.

Minhyun opens up the envelope, curious as to the contents. It reads like a generic invitation to a rookie debut but it's from their rival agency. Minhyun shakes his head at the audacity, and almost throws it into the garbage can when a small note slips out. The penmanship catches Minhyun's eye because it is painfully familiar.

===  
_Nothing ever really goes away until it teaches us what we need to know. Please come. - Kim Jonghyun_  
===

His heart jumps at the name and starts to beat so loudly in his chest that it drowns out all other noises.

Kim Jonghyun.  
Kim Jonghyun was back.

I'll be able to see you soon. Minhyun feels like running. This time, this time, I have something to tell you no matter what.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

The excitement Minhyun feels as he comes to Silence No More's showcase thrums through him like a percussion concert. He is, of course, dressed inconspicuously. If his manager knew he was coming, he'd have a heart attack. Rival company, possible rival idols? Minhyun doesn't care, he's been waiting for this moment for two years. He's just that determined to attend even if the whole world is burning up around him.

He has to meet Jonghyun.

When the group comes out on stage, they do so with an explosive song, full of energy and strong vocals. Minhyun searches for Jonghyun but doesn't see him. Confusion fills Minhyun, was Jonghyun not a part of the group?

They go through two songs and still Jonghyun does not appear. Minhyun's heart turns apprehensive, anxious eyes now scanning everywhere, searching for one familiar figure.

The group finishes their showcase and begin to introduce themselves. Minhyun only listens with half an ear.

“Thank you for coming and for listening to the end! My name is Aron, and I'm Silence No More's leader. Truthfully, we never really thought this day would come. We've had so many challenges along the way and --” He trails off, his voice catching in his throat. The unexpected sob catches Minhyun's attention.

“What Aron hyung wants to say, is we are really really happy to be here, but at the same time, we are also saddened by being here today.” The guy who introduces himself as Baekho, continues, patting the sobbing guy on the back, “Most of the press have already seen our teasers and the old press releases so it's not a secret that we were originally suppose to debut as four.”

Four? Minhyun's attention immediately snaps to the stage, dread filling him as he sees all three members of Silence No More looking grim and squeezing each other's hands.

“I'll do this, Baekho. Thank you.” Aron whispers, away from the mic but it's picked up anyway. “We would have postponed our debut but it was a request to debut on our original date that we cannot turn down. Three days ago, our former leader, main rapper and dancer, JR, collapsed and was admitted to the hospital. He never recovered and died yesterday. It was his wish that we continue to debut today. We've unilaterally agreed not to change the MV so that it includes JR for our debut song. So please look at it and join us in remembering our leader who pushed so hard, without whom we would not be able to stand on this stage. Thank you.”

There is a roaring in Minhyun's ears and he feels out of breath, like his soul has been squeezed out of him but he forces himself to look up at the screen. He owes that to Jonghyun at least.

When Jonghyun appears in the MV, he takes Minhyun's breath away. He barely recognises the Jonghyun on the screen. This ethereal being of blue hair, intense eyes and lithe long-legged power in every dance move, he commanded attention and drew Minhyun in. The young childish features of the Jonghyun Minhyun knew, grown into the promise of adulthood, all sharp, chiselled lines and charismatic charm.

When the MV ends, it leaves Minhyun empty and bereft.

Jonghyun-ah~ Minhyun thinks to himself. I saw you well.

There is so much pride in what Jonghyun has done filling Minhyun's heart with joy even as it wars with the sadness and longing of Jonghyun's loss.

Why did you have to go?

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

The showcase went on for a little bit but Minhyun could not, did not, have the heart to listen. He is too lost in his thoughts. It was only a light touch on his arm at the end of it all that brought him back to the present.

“Hwang Minhyun-ssi?” It's the sharp-eyed man that Minhyun tagged as Silence No More's manager earlier. “The members would like to ask you backstage, if you would?”

Minhyun nods mutely, following the manager.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Minhyun half-expects Jonghyun to jump out behind the door to surprise him. But he doesn't. The three members of Silence No More look at him as he enters with a serious, heavy atmosphere. 

“Hwang sunbaenim?” Aron, the leader, speaks first. It brings memories of an impertinent midget who once tried calling him that. Before Aron could say anything else, Minhyun grabs his arm.

“It's not true right? It's a lie. How can Jonghyun die when he was so young?”

Silence No More seem to flinch as one, their wounds still so fresh that the rawness is left on their faces.

“He...he was ill all along. He told me he inherited it from his father. And that he'd had it his whole life. As he grew, so would the disease.” Aron tells Minhyun while leading him to sit on the chair. “That's why Jonghyun was so careful about his diet, so he wouldn't grow so much.”

_/It's pretty much all I eat./_

“But, Hwang sunbaenim, he met you.”

_/I need more nutrition so I can mature./_

“And he fell in love with you.”

_/It's an illness that will kill you if you fall in love./_

Jonghyun-ah. How can this be?

“Ahhhhhh,” Minhyun stumbles, his legs buckling, as his eyes fill with tears, “isn't it my fault that he died then?”

“I wish I can tell you it's your fault.” The most feminine looking member mutters, grief lining the undertone of his voice. 

“Ren.” Aron sharply rebukes him.

“What? JR is as much ours as he was HIS.” Ren tells Aron sharply, accusation seems to wing it's way from him to Minhyun. “We have a right to be angry.”

“Ren-ah, please.” Baekho lays a hand on Ren's arm and squeezes.

“Forgive him. For the last two years, Jonghyun was our friend and our pillar of strength,” Aron says roughly, his voice hoarse from crying, “seeing him push himself to the brink to get to our debut stage, forcing himself to grow, he told me it was all for you,” Aron wipes the tears from his eyes, “I asked him to slow down, we had time, but he wanted to meet you as soon as possible.”

Minhyun is choking on air, his voice stuck in his throat by the sadness he feels. His chest tightening with each word. 

“But it's not your fault. It was always Jonghyun's choice. Even if growing made the cancer spread, he wanted to fall in love, he wanted to grow up and he wanted to jump and fly ~ He almost did.” Aron tells him, gently tugging Minhyun's arm and opening his hand, palm up. 

“Jonghyun wants you to have this. It was his last wish.” Aron puts a USB stick into Minhyun's hand and closes Minhyun's fingers around it. “He said they contain the happiest years of his life.”

“We loved him as much as brothers can. Minhyun-ssi, please honor the memories of our dear friend. ” All the members of Silence No More bows deeply and Minhyun could not do anything except bow back.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

It takes Minhyun two weeks before he decides to open the contents of the USB. Two weeks of seeing Silence No More and news of the tragic beginnings of the group, of having Jonghyun's JR persona hovering over every newsfeed, deepening the wound in Minhyun's heart.

The moment he inserts the USB into his laptop, it autoruns a video.

“Hmmn is it on? Oh I can't see myself.” The screen jostles until the image of a blue-haired Jonghyun shows up on screen. He looks tired and drawn even underneath the makeup.

“Hey Min, you should have seen the MV by now. What do you think?” Jonghyun breaks into a smile. “Did you even recognise me?” He tugs at his blue hair self-consciously. “I grew a lot, didn't I? I bet you never expected it. Can't call me a midget now, can you?”

The teasing tone makes Minhyun smile reluctantly, remembering the snarky midget.

“We prepared a lot for it. So I hope you liked the album. Baekho, Ren and Aron hyung are really amazing, aren't they? I had to lead that bunch of crazies for two years, can you believe it?” Jonghyun sighs dramatically. “The disrespect I get sometimes, I swear. But they're all good kids. I hope they weren't too rough with you. They mean well.” Jonghyun coughs and doesn't stop coughing and the video cuts out and reappears.

“Sorry about that. Can't help it sometimes.” Jonghyun says apologetically, hands suddenly holding on to the blanket covering him and looking at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world. “Min, do you remember the day we first met? At that crosswalk?”

Jonghyun' smiles nostalgically,.” I...I fell in love with you then,” he scratches the nape of his neck, “ And when you rejected me, I thought to myself, you would surely, surely regret one day, that you rejected me back then.”

“Do you?” The Jonghyun on the screen peeks up at the camera uncertainly. 

Yes. 

“You were so in love with Seungwoo, I didn't know if I ever stood a chance. I wanted to try. At least, this way,” He gestures towards his body, “I'd have more of a fighting chance, hey? I think so anyway. But it wasn't just for you, so don't blame yourself, alright? I also wanted to fulfil my dreams of becoming an idol, and I couldn't do it in that body. So my decision really, is purely selfish. I wanted to pursue my happiness, no matter the cost.”

Jonghyun-ah~ why must you always try to take the responsibility on to yourself?

The video cuts out again with Jonghyun coming back in focus, drinking water.

“Min, I really wanted to see you again. I thought I'd be able to see you when we debuted and maybe just rub it in your face. Just a tiny~ bit. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. There was just so little time and so much to do.

I wanted our meeting to be another new beginning, and not this...” He gestures in the air.

This ending?

“In that forest, on that last day, thank you. Thank you for giving me the only kiss, no, the only love I've ever known. I was happy. You gave me the motivation I needed to look for my dreams and fly. Thank you, Min. Thank you for coming into my life. Please be happy.”

When Minhyun closes the video, he notices a folder titled “My Journey to Happiness”. He clicks on it and out of the folder tumbles all the memories of Jonghyun's life.

There were journalistic photos of people that Jonghyun took of random people, from the kindergarten kids near the university to the streets of New York where the group apparently trained in dancing. 

There were practice photos of his team, in varying states of sweat, dancing, singing, practicing, horsing around in the dorm in...various states of undress. In these pictures, Minhyun sees the Jonghyun that he could not see in the past two years. Disgruntled Jonghyun who tried to get out of excessive skinship, mischievous Jonghyun who would spring a cuteness barrage on his members, introverted Jonghyun with his head buried in manga and on his laptop with his computer games.

He saw Jonghyun's body change little by little, his personality opening up to the others. Minhyun feels a little twinge of pain that he wasn't there himself to see it happen.

This wasn't suppose to happen. I wish I can turn back time.

And then he finds older photos. Photos after photos of Minhyun in their apartment cooking, Minhyun cleaning, Minhyun scolding Jonghyun, Minhyun drooling in his sleep.

I never even saw him take them.

And even more photos of Minhyun. In university, taking down notes in class, laughing with his classmates, sleeping in class, drooling. Again. 

Please.

Minhyun at dance practice, fooling around with Seungwoo and his team. Minhyun in the recording studio singing.

Please allow me to express the feelings that I had for him.

Photos of Minhyun taking pictures in funny positions just to get the right angle.

Please let him have realised that I...

And the last photo, was the one in the clearing on that day Jonghyun left. Minhyun touches the screen with raw longing. 

_/In that forest, on that last day, you gave me the only kiss I've ever known./_

Minhyun recalls the soft shyness that had settled between them, of Jonghyun returning the kiss so fervently, the warm arms around each other, and the soft taste of Jonghyun's lips.

_/ Min, that kiss, there was some love in it, right?/_

You're the only real love I've ever known.

FIN.

_Hush now, my angel,_  
I will always be with you.  
Maybe someday  
you'll wake up alone without me  
But don't cry again,  
I'll be waiting here.  


**Author's Note:**

> I think I made Jonghyun slightly more aggressive than he has been in most of my fics but at the same time still in the bounds of what canon is? I hope x.x Tell me what you think by yelling at me on twitter [@OnibugiFan](https://twitter.com/OnibugiFan).
> 
> (OMG, I totally was thinking OT5 and realised that Silence No More isn't OT4 without Jonghyun, they'd be OT3 OTL *edits*)
> 
> I figured I'd release this in the middle of Angelic Intervention because I can give you happy after all this sads.
> 
> Thanks go out to zoe and indirectly, cel, for helping with band/idol names. Trust me there were a lot of funny ones.
> 
> Thank you for reading~


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